i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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