my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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