The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
