oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
it's like iHOP with fire
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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