I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am puke
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
