Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
