I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize