We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
