i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
