We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize