The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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