Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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