I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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