note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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