I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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