OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
