I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
