what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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