I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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