He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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