I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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