i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
