I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
