there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
