So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
