textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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