i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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