i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
