is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
