When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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