Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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