I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
