a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
