I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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