I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize