I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
