i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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