OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
