I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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