Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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