I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
