You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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