I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
