Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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