I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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