My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
