hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
honey bunches of taint.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
