really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
