I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize