I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
