oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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