just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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