So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
