So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
