Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
