i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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