3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
