he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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