I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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