The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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