YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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