You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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