Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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