The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
