I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
