i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
