ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
