JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
