***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
