I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just want nice things and good sex
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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